My darlings Jack and Henry
You two are such amazing boys and I hate missing every day with you both. I know that you both are growing and changing every day. . .and one day I won't remember the silly things you did.
Currently, at 2 and 9 months, Henry, you are verbally excelling as well as amazing me at the way you put concepts together and are such a productive child when you want to be. Our usual eveningtime is mommy coming home around 5:30 and we get ready for dinner, eat together (the three of us) and hope that Daddy will get off work by 7:30 so that he can come and help putyou to bed. Usually around 6PM Daddy calls to tell us whether he is coming home. Usually you ask to speak with him.
A few weeks ago, when you were just starting to repeat things that I say with accuracy, I said to you "Tell Daddy to get his butt home for dinner." That day you told Daddy: "get yours butt home now, right now!" in a very stern and serious manner. Because both Daddy and I thought it was funny, you now repeat it in every conversation you have with Daddy.
Also right now, you like to pray before bed. I am not sure where you figured out to put your head down and close your eyes, but you do this. We usually thank Jesus for all the things he has given us and pray for all the people in our lives. You love to start with Meema and Papa and go through all the family by name. Then you are ready for bed. You also like the number 7 (although in soccer you are 8 because there were no more 7s left- sorry if this haunts you as a teenager- your dad is really into what number he is for soccer). Daddy told you that you can't get up until your clock reads "7" and so nowyou usually like it when there are two 7s, which you will point out to me when you see them. I love how much you love learning right now and how much you like school.
You are also a wonderful artist. You love coloring in your coloring books and will do so for long periods of time. I am often amazed at how you are able to concentrate at trains, or trucks, or coloring, when you want to. In soccer, you like to listen to your coach and do a great job of following directions and talking to adults. I am so happy you like to have conversations with people and are not shy about meeting new friends.
Jack, you are almost 10 months old and the fastest crawler I have seen! You are definitely interested in experimenting with walking, but being such an excellent crawler, you often resort to your expereienced mode of transportation. I love coming home to see your face light up when I walk in the room. It might be because I am your favorite food source, but I like to think we have a wonderful bond. You are starting to sleep better and longer at night. My beanpole child though, you do like a midnight snack or two. I try to think back to when Henry was your age and he was definitely more of a thinker than a crawler. He was very calculating about where and when he wanted to get somewhere, but you just go! Thank god we put the gates up about a week before you took off because now you climb to the gate, climb up and shake as hard as you can. You also will try to climb anything that appears to be climb-able. Hopefully you will outgrow this before the time comes to get out of your crib!
Your smile is infetious and you will give it away to whomever you fancy, as long as you are not tired!
I can't believe how much you both have been growing!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Choosy Moms choose What?
I think I am jealous. I am jealous of all the mommies that knew they wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I am also jealous of all the mommies who knew that they wanted to go back to work. I feel bad for the mommies who want to stay home, but have to work, and for the mommies who want to work, but have to stay at home.
I am none of them.
Tomorrow is the last day of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Well, a quasi-stay-at-home mom. My last day to plan out a day with my kids and not worry that I am using a vacation day for nothing. I have been riddled with emotion over the past several months, ever since I accepted a new position that requires me to go back full time. So many women tell me that I am lucky to have the choice, but am I?
I have been lucky in so many ways: I had a job that let me take a long maternity leave. I had a job that allowed me to return to work part time. I am also lucky for my work situation because my husband was a full time student when I had our first baby and just graduating when I got pregnant with our second. If he hadn't been in school, I would have had to make the decision sooner. I also know what it is like to go back to work part time and to have my mom be our only childcare. I know first hand how difficult it is to be a SAHM. I know how much it sucks when your husband calls to tell you he isn't coming home/is working late, neither kid took their afternoon nap and you seriously considered driving to McDonald's for the cheesburger your toddler would eat so you didn't have to coax him into eating a dinner you created and the baby only wants to be held. But I also don't know what it is like to leave your six week old baby in the arms of a stranger at a daycare. I don't know what it is like to be up all night with a 3 month old and then at your job with no sleep attempting to depose someone or to meet with a new client. I don't know what it is like to not worry all day that your baby is getting tummy time or your toddler is being hugged enough. I got to be there with both of my children for their first eight full months. I got to have the toughest job you'll ever love. I got to meet my friends at the pool with their kids, have lunch, albeit at McDonald's with a Happy Meal on one side and a spoonful of Gerber on the other. I got to pick up my son from just about every day of preschool and 'talk' to him on the way home. I got to nurse my baby down for his naps and walk my children through the neighborhood just about every day. I never had to dress up for my job and I even got to have "PJ days" when I needed them.
I won't get to do that anymore.
But I also know how great it is to go to work, have adult conversations, lunch with your friends that doesn't involve you nursing in public or having spit up on your clothes. I know how great the extra income is and how many more projects we can easily get done around the house. I know how much of a better mom I will be if I can leave work at work and come home to focus on my children because I missed them all day. I know how lucky I am to have a 5 minute commute from my house to my office and to have a boss who is a compassionate leader to say the least. I also know how extremely lucky in our profession that I have somewhat 'regular hours" (8:30 to 5). And I won't know what it is like to have to "try to get back in" competeing with women who are much more my junior. I have been able to take a trial run as a SAHM without messing up my career. So many people would say that I am 'lucky.' I even say that I am lucky.
But really I am jealous.
I want to know that the decision I am making is the right decision. I can stay at home. I like staying at home. I like making dinner every night for my family and I like playing games with my preschooler. I like making baby food and having our house on a schedule. I like making dinners for my mom friends when they have babies and I like taking care of my husband. I like nursing my baby down for his naps and being there when he wakes up with a devilish grin because he's figured out how to get from his belly to a sitting position. I want to see him crawl and start to talk. I want to be there to make sure he doesn't pull down my china cabinet on himself or to console him when he bumps his head trying to stand. I want to watch my preschooler play soccer in the backyard and enjoy endless hours on his swingset. I want to know that having every day with me is what makes my child who they are, and better for it.
But I also don't want to leave a career I have worked at for eight years and seven years of school before that. I don't want to put the pressure on my husband to continue to keep hours that aren't good for his health or the family in order to support our family. I don't want to wake up in five years and feel like I left the 'most perfect job for me' on the table and wonder what my career would be like if I had only taken the job. I don't want to be competeing with people who were in high school when I left my career. I don't want my kids to have a mom who is with them all day and who is impatient with them because she is having to often been a single mom with dad working long hours. And I don't want my sons to only have one roll model as the breadwinner.
So I have had a glimpse into what my life would've been if I had stayed home and I liked it. In some ways though, I even loved it. But perhaps I want the glimpse of Christmas to come, and owe it to myself to at least try it. I wish I knew absolutely what was for me. So for now I am jealous. A little bit sad, but mostly jealous.
I am none of them.
Tomorrow is the last day of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Well, a quasi-stay-at-home mom. My last day to plan out a day with my kids and not worry that I am using a vacation day for nothing. I have been riddled with emotion over the past several months, ever since I accepted a new position that requires me to go back full time. So many women tell me that I am lucky to have the choice, but am I?
I have been lucky in so many ways: I had a job that let me take a long maternity leave. I had a job that allowed me to return to work part time. I am also lucky for my work situation because my husband was a full time student when I had our first baby and just graduating when I got pregnant with our second. If he hadn't been in school, I would have had to make the decision sooner. I also know what it is like to go back to work part time and to have my mom be our only childcare. I know first hand how difficult it is to be a SAHM. I know how much it sucks when your husband calls to tell you he isn't coming home/is working late, neither kid took their afternoon nap and you seriously considered driving to McDonald's for the cheesburger your toddler would eat so you didn't have to coax him into eating a dinner you created and the baby only wants to be held. But I also don't know what it is like to leave your six week old baby in the arms of a stranger at a daycare. I don't know what it is like to be up all night with a 3 month old and then at your job with no sleep attempting to depose someone or to meet with a new client. I don't know what it is like to not worry all day that your baby is getting tummy time or your toddler is being hugged enough. I got to be there with both of my children for their first eight full months. I got to have the toughest job you'll ever love. I got to meet my friends at the pool with their kids, have lunch, albeit at McDonald's with a Happy Meal on one side and a spoonful of Gerber on the other. I got to pick up my son from just about every day of preschool and 'talk' to him on the way home. I got to nurse my baby down for his naps and walk my children through the neighborhood just about every day. I never had to dress up for my job and I even got to have "PJ days" when I needed them.
I won't get to do that anymore.
But I also know how great it is to go to work, have adult conversations, lunch with your friends that doesn't involve you nursing in public or having spit up on your clothes. I know how great the extra income is and how many more projects we can easily get done around the house. I know how much of a better mom I will be if I can leave work at work and come home to focus on my children because I missed them all day. I know how lucky I am to have a 5 minute commute from my house to my office and to have a boss who is a compassionate leader to say the least. I also know how extremely lucky in our profession that I have somewhat 'regular hours" (8:30 to 5). And I won't know what it is like to have to "try to get back in" competeing with women who are much more my junior. I have been able to take a trial run as a SAHM without messing up my career. So many people would say that I am 'lucky.' I even say that I am lucky.
But really I am jealous.
I want to know that the decision I am making is the right decision. I can stay at home. I like staying at home. I like making dinner every night for my family and I like playing games with my preschooler. I like making baby food and having our house on a schedule. I like making dinners for my mom friends when they have babies and I like taking care of my husband. I like nursing my baby down for his naps and being there when he wakes up with a devilish grin because he's figured out how to get from his belly to a sitting position. I want to see him crawl and start to talk. I want to be there to make sure he doesn't pull down my china cabinet on himself or to console him when he bumps his head trying to stand. I want to watch my preschooler play soccer in the backyard and enjoy endless hours on his swingset. I want to know that having every day with me is what makes my child who they are, and better for it.
But I also don't want to leave a career I have worked at for eight years and seven years of school before that. I don't want to put the pressure on my husband to continue to keep hours that aren't good for his health or the family in order to support our family. I don't want to wake up in five years and feel like I left the 'most perfect job for me' on the table and wonder what my career would be like if I had only taken the job. I don't want to be competeing with people who were in high school when I left my career. I don't want my kids to have a mom who is with them all day and who is impatient with them because she is having to often been a single mom with dad working long hours. And I don't want my sons to only have one roll model as the breadwinner.
So I have had a glimpse into what my life would've been if I had stayed home and I liked it. In some ways though, I even loved it. But perhaps I want the glimpse of Christmas to come, and owe it to myself to at least try it. I wish I knew absolutely what was for me. So for now I am jealous. A little bit sad, but mostly jealous.
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