Choosy Moms choose What?

I think I am jealous. I am jealous of all the mommies that knew they wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I am also jealous of all the mommies who knew that they wanted to go back to work. I feel bad for the mommies who want to stay home, but have to work, and for the mommies who want to work, but have to stay at home.

I am none of them.

Tomorrow is the last day of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Well, a quasi-stay-at-home mom. My last day to plan out a day with my kids and not worry that I am using a vacation day for nothing. I have been riddled with emotion over the past several months, ever since I accepted a new position that requires me to go back full time. So many women tell me that I am lucky to have the choice, but am I?

I have been lucky in so many ways: I had a job that let me take a long maternity leave. I had a job that allowed me to return to work part time. I am also lucky for my work situation because my husband was a full time student when I had our first baby and just graduating when I got pregnant with our second. If he hadn't been in school, I would have had to make the decision sooner. I also know what it is like to go back to work part time and to have my mom be our only childcare. I know first hand how difficult it is to be a SAHM. I know how much it sucks when your husband calls to tell you he isn't coming home/is working late, neither kid took their afternoon nap and you seriously considered driving to McDonald's for the cheesburger your toddler would eat so you didn't have to coax him into eating a dinner you created and the baby only wants to be held. But I also don't know what it is like to leave your six week old baby in the arms of a stranger at a daycare. I don't know what it is like to be up all night with a 3 month old and then at your job with no sleep attempting to depose someone or to meet with a new client. I don't know what it is like to not worry all day that your baby is getting tummy time or your toddler is being hugged enough. I got to be there with both of my children for their first eight full months. I got to have the toughest job you'll ever love. I got to meet my friends at the pool with their kids, have lunch, albeit at McDonald's with a Happy Meal on one side and a spoonful of Gerber on the other. I got to pick up my son from just about every day of preschool and 'talk' to him on the way home. I got to nurse my baby down for his naps and walk my children through the neighborhood just about every day. I never had to dress up for my job and I even got to have "PJ days" when I needed them.

I won't get to do that anymore.

But I also know how great it is to go to work, have adult conversations, lunch with your friends that doesn't involve you nursing in public or having spit up on your clothes. I know how great the extra income is and how many more projects we can easily get done around the house. I know how much of a better mom I will be if I can leave work at work and come home to focus on my children because I missed them all day. I know how lucky I am to have a 5 minute commute from my house to my office and to have a boss who is a compassionate leader to say the least. I also know how extremely lucky in our profession that I have somewhat 'regular hours" (8:30 to 5). And I won't know what it is like to have to "try to get back in" competeing with women who are much more my junior. I have been able to take a trial run as a SAHM without messing up my career. So many people would say that I am 'lucky.' I even say that I am lucky.

But really I am jealous.

I want to know that the decision I am making is the right decision. I can stay at home. I like staying at home. I like making dinner every night for my family and I like playing games with my preschooler. I like making baby food and having our house on a schedule. I like making dinners for my mom friends when they have babies and I like taking care of my husband. I like nursing my baby down for his naps and being there when he wakes up with a devilish grin because he's figured out how to get from his belly to a sitting position. I want to see him crawl and start to talk. I want to be there to make sure he doesn't pull down my china cabinet on himself or to console him when he bumps his head trying to stand. I want to watch my preschooler play soccer in the backyard and enjoy endless hours on his swingset. I want to know that having every day with me is what makes my child who they are, and better for it.
But I also don't want to leave a career I have worked at for eight years and seven years of school before that. I don't want to put the pressure on my husband to continue to keep hours that aren't good for his health or the family in order to support our family. I don't want to wake up in five years and feel like I left the 'most perfect job for me' on the table and wonder what my career would be like if I had only taken the job. I don't want to be competeing with people who were in high school when I left my career. I don't want my kids to have a mom who is with them all day and who is impatient with them because she is having to often been a single mom with dad working long hours. And I don't want my sons to only have one roll model as the breadwinner.

So I have had a glimpse into what my life would've been if I had stayed home and I liked it. In some ways though, I even loved it. But perhaps I want the glimpse of Christmas to come, and owe it to myself to at least try it. I wish I knew absolutely what was for me. So for now I am jealous. A little bit sad, but mostly jealous.